Sokrates sagte einmal: “Ich weiß, dass ich nichts weiß!” und in meiner jugendlichen Selbstüberschätzung habe ich dieser Aussage in Bezug auf mich nie zugestimmt. Ich bin ein schlaues Köpfchen und darüber habe ich mich viel zu oft definiert. Als ich meine Diagnose bekam und durch unzählige Foren las, stolperte ich über einen Artikel mit dem reißerischen Titel: “MS macht dumm!” und fand ihn nachvollziehbar. Seitdem beobachte ich meine mentale Leistungsfähigkeit mit zunehmender Argwohn und stimme der Aussage des Forumbeitrages voll und ganz zu. Ich werde langsam dumm.
Zurückblickend auf die letzten Jahre merkte ich immer wieder, dass ich leichte Sprachstörungen bekam. Nicht mehr die Sätze so herausbrachte, wie ich es gerne gehabt hätte und oftmals saß ich vor dem Rechner auf der Arbeit und konnte mich kaum mehr konzentrieren. Inzwischen ist das ein Zustand, zu dem ich gerne zurückkehren würde. Mein logisches Denken nimmt rapide ab, immer mehr kämpfe ich damit, den richtigen Gedanken zu finden, im Kopf zu behalten und zu formulieren. Und bevor ihr mich jetzt darauf hinweist, ja, ich bin mir bewusst, dass ich heute bereits einen Artikel geschrieben hatte und habe das noch nicht vergessen. So schlimm ist es dann nun auch nicht.
Vielleicht ist das alles auch nicht so schlimm. Wenn man sich nicht mehr so viele Gedanken macht (oder besser: machen kann), ist man im Leben doch auch viel glücklicher. Ich erwische mich hier und da schon dabei, dass ich Gesprächen mit anderen nicht mehr folgen kann und dann einfach meine Ohren auf durchzug stelle und lächele. Damit wirke ich freundlich und es ist nicht mehr so anstrengend. Ja, das ist durchaus ein Vorteil. Dumm gelaufen nur, wenn es bei dem Gespräch über wichtige Dinge ging, die ich auf keinen Fall vergessen darf. Aber naja, Siri, meine treue Telefon-Begleiterin wird mich sicherlich an die wichtigsten Termine erinnern. Und solange ich mir nicht Vorschulfernsehen im Vormittagsprogramm ansehe, dabei seltsam lache und in die Hände klatsche, ist alles auch noch nicht besorgniserregend.
Eigentlich war ich schon dabei, diesen Artikel abzuschließen, doch noch rechtzeitig fiel mir auf, dass ich noch nicht mein Fazit gezogen habe. Der Grund, warum ich überhaupt einen solchen Beitrag verfasse, die schlauen abschließenden Worte. Wäre ja passend für diesen Artikel gewesen und doch lege ich nochmal etwas mehr Augenmerk auf meine Konzentration dafür. Ich war vor fast einem Jahr besorgt, dass ich mich selbst verliere. Dumm sein passt so gar nicht zu mir. Und heute stelle ich fest, dass ich mir einfach keine Gedanken darüber mache – sei es aus Unfähigkeit heraus oder weil ich die von mir angestrebte Gelassenheit immer mehr finde – es ist mir einfach egal. Ich bin glücklich, die meiste Zeit, und das ist die Hauptsache. Ob ich noch in der Lage bin ein Sodoku auf der höchsten Schwierigkeitsstufe in unter einer Woche zu lösen, ist doch im Grund absolut nebensächlich. Ich kann mich mit meinen Freunden, meiner Familie und all den anderen Menschen, denen ich so begegne, austauschen. Ich kann sie zum Lachen bringen, manchmal auch zum Weinen. Ich schaffe es noch immer, meinen Sohn auf der Playstation abzuzocken und liege nicht nur sabbernd in der Ecke. Also: Wenn du gerade genauso in der Situation bist, die Diagnose gerade erst bekommen zu haben oder wenn du dir immer wieder Sorgen um Morgen machst – versuche doch einfach mal dein Gehirn auszustellen. Es hilft. Es macht glücklich. Und so dumm ist das gar nicht!
Lieber Chris,
heute Morgen habe ich deinen Text über die Zerbrechlichkeit der Normalität gelesen. Ich konnte sehr gut nachvollziehen, was du geschrieben hast! Leider bringt die MS viele Veränderungen mit sich, auf die man sehr gerne verzichten würde 🙁 Manche Dinge verändern sich natürlich auch in eine positive Richtung – man genießt viele schöne kleine Dinge, die früher nebensächlich waren.
Mein Freund sagt mir auch immer wieder, dass ich mir kleine und große Wünsche nach Möglichkeit jetzt erfüllen soll und sie nicht auf später verschieben soll…und das mache ich (machen wir) auch!!!
Keiner weiß, was am nächsten Tag kommt – mit oder ohne MS. Also: lebe jetzt und nicht später!
Liebe Grüße
Sabine
Lieber Chris,
und jetzt lese ich Deinen Text “Dumm gelaufen” und den finde ich ausnahmsweise sehr deprimierend. Dein Fazit am Ende klingt ironisch/sarkastisch… Gar nicht aufmunternd 🙁
Und ich glaube auch nicht, dass MS dumm macht! Ich sehe das eher so, dass vielleicht die jeweilige mentale Leistungsfähigkeit abnimmt, wenn man sich sehr lange konzentrieren muss. Aber nach einer kurzen Pause ist sie wieder da. Gönn dir diese Pausen, aber (ver)zweifle nicht so an dir selbst!
Liebe Grüße
Sabine
Liebe Sabine,
ich danke dir für deine zwei Kommentare und antworte am besten hier. Eigentlich hatten beide Artikel in meinem Kopf in etwa die gleiche (positive) Aussage. Nicht soviel nachdenken und einfach glücklich sein. Ich kann leider nicht mehr in allen Belangen selber das Steuer in die Hand nehmen und doch gibt es auch in den schlechtesten Entwicklungen gutes zu entdecken. Natürlich macht die MS nicht dumm – sie macht mich langsamer, unlogischer, weniger durchdacht. Ich hatte allerdings große Angst, dumm zu werden. Nicht erst seit der Diagnose, doch auch vorher schon. Mein Selbstbild war meine Normalität und plötzlich kommt etwas und lässt dieses feine Konstrukt zerbrechen. Und siehe da: ICH zerbreche nicht dran. Ich entdecke so viele Dinge, die mich glücklich machen und mache mir viel weniger Gedanken darüber, dass ich vielleicht irgendwann Einsteins Relativitätstherorie nicht mehr verstehe. Und das sehe ich positiv. Ich blicke mich in meinem Umfeld um und sehe, dass ich für alle anderen noch immer ich selber bin und ich es noch immer schaffe, sie zum Lachen zu bringen. Das ist wundervoll und zeigt mir sehr deutlich, dass die Ängste, die ich vorher hatte, vollkommen unbegründet waren.
Deinen Ratschlag mit den Pausen werde ich sehr gerne befolgen, denn Pausen sind wichtig. So und jetzt muss ich versuchen, die Wespe in meinem Wohnzimmer davon zu überzeugen, dass die Natur draußen viel schöner ist… 🙂
Liebe Grüße und erlebe auch heute wieder schöne Dinge,
Chris
Lieber Chris,
ich hoffe, dass du meinen Kommentar zu “Dumm gelaufen” nicht als Bose Kritik aufgefasst hast! Denn so war er nicht gemeint.
Deinem Kommentar kann ich wieder zustimmen – so geht es mir auch – langsamer, etwas komplizierter und für andere nicht immer direkt nachvollziehbar.
Und das Fazit deines Kommentars – einfach mal glücklich sein – ist genau richtig! :-)))
Viele Grüße
Sabine
Liebe Sabine,
nein, ich habe das überhaupt nicht böse aufgefasst, sondern bin dir sehr dankbar dafür. Es hilft mir, mich selbst zu reflektieren. Mein Gehirn kann nämlich schonmal ziemlich zynisch sein und es hilft, wenn ich von außen einen Spiegel vorgesetzt bekomme. 🙂
Chris
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