Ich bin da geteilter Meinung

Ich beginne einmal mit Goethe, der schrieb: “Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach! in meiner Brust” oder an anderer Stelle: “Himmelhoch jauchzend, zu Tode betrübt”. Diese Innere Zerrissenheit finde ich auch in mir wieder. Ich beobachte nämlich gerne die Welt, sehe die lustigen Dinge und erfreue mich an ihnen. Bin ich gerade das lustigste in meiner Umgebung – weil ich zum Beispiel gerade mit meinem Rollstuhl nicht den Berg hochkomme, mein Sohn vollkommen überfordert versucht, mich zu schieben und stattdessen ein wahlloser Passant auf mich zugestürmt kommt und mich mit lauten Kommentaren über mein Gewicht den Berg hoch drückt – so bin ich der erste, der darüber herzhaft lacht. Doch dann gibt es auch die Zeiten, an denen ich heulend auf dem Sofa sitze, weil mir gerade wieder Gedanken an eine düstere Zukunft durch den Kopf schießen und ich damit einfach nicht mehr umgehen kann. Wenn einmal wieder die Schmerzen zuviel werden, ich meine beiden Arme kaum mehr bewegen kann oder noch schlechter als sonst durch die Wohnung taumele. Zwei Seelen sind es in der Tat. Seit einigen Monaten bin ich beinahe bipolar, was meine Stimmung angeht und es kann innerhalb von Minuten wechseln. Von Depression zu Scherzkeks. Aber warum erzähle ich das? Vielleicht hauptsächlich, weil ich der armen Seele, die gerade diesen Blog liest, weil sie selber in einer solchen Situation ist, vielleicht erst seit kurzem die Diagnose hat oder einfach die Nase voll hat nach Jahren des Auf und Abs, sagen möchte: Es geht nicht nur dir so. Und ich habe sogar einen wertvollen Tipp im Handgepäck. Etwas, gegen das ich mich viel zu lange in meinem Leben gewehrt habe. Antidepressiva!

Dazu muss ich weiter ausholen. Seit meiner Kindheit habe ich Depressionen, die mal stärker, mal schwächer, aber im present waren. Das ist eine ganz eigene Krankheit, auf die ich gar nicht eingehen möchte, doch ist sie ein fester Teil einer Multiplen Sklerose. In jedem Forum, jedem Artikel und sogar in meiner Selbsthilfegruppe, ist dies ein Thema. Sei es, weil nach dem Kortison ein fettes Tief kommt, das einen ziemlich herunterziehen kann, oder weil die Aussichten auf die Zukunft nicht so rosig sind – die Depression gehört dazu. Ich habe mich mein Leben lang gegen Medikamente gewehrt. Wollte keine Stimmungsgleichmacher nehmen, die einen Teil meiner Person abtöten. Wollte nicht in die Abhängigkeit einer Pille geraten. Und so habe ich meine Depressionen durchgestanden und gekämpft. Immer wieder bin ich die Steilwand einer Depression hinaufgeklettert und habe meinen Kopf über Wasser gehalten. Doch jetzt, da ich noch zusätzlich in der Gefahr lebe, eine zu bekommen und diese vielleicht nicht mehr bekämpfen zu können, habe ich mich darauf eingelassen, eine kleine Pille am Tag zu nehmen. Einen Stimmungsaufheller, der mich wacher macht im Denken und Handeln, der mir ein Sprungtuch gibt, wenn ich in ein Loch falle. Falls ihr also in der gleichen Situation seid und ihr mit der Entscheidung hadert – denkt nicht darüber nach… das Zeug hilft so ungemein. Mein Medikament ist Citalopram. Das ist kein starkes Antidepressivum, es macht wach statt müde und hilft mir morgens, aus dem Bett zu kommen und den Tag zu überstehen.

Und so sitze ich morgens auf dem Sofa und sehe kaum mehr Hoffnungen in meinem Leben und lasse das Wasser aus meinen Augen in Sturzbächen fließen und nur wenige Stunden später sitze ich in einer illustren Gesellschaft im Rollstuhl und während ich wackelig die Gabel zum Mund bewege denke ich darüber nach, dass es jetzt “Essen auf Rädern” ist und wir lachen zusammen. Ganz ohne Maske, ohne dass ich mich verstellen muss – einfach, weil ich glücklich bin und es mir gut geht. Das wäre früher nicht gegangen, doch jetzt rollt die kleine Pille alle schlechten Gedanken platt und macht Platz für die schönen Dinge des Lebens. Und ich verrate euch jetzt einfach mal ein Geheimnis: Die lustige und fröhliche Seele gefällt mir viel besser, als der grummelige Miesmacher in meiner Brust.

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