Niemand hat die Absicht, eine Mauer zu errichten! Oops!

Mauern haben eine tolle Eigenschaft: sie trennen Menschen voneinander. Sei es das Mauerwerk der eigenen Wohnung, das uns davor bewahrt, dem Nachbarn beim Fußnägelschneiden zuzusehen oder der antikapitalistische Schutzwall, der uns vor dem Klassenfeind zu schützen versuchte. Mauern kann man nicht übersehen, kann man nur schwer überwinden und sind absolut praktisch. Manchmal ist so eine Mauer aber nicht offensichtlich, auch wenn der Zweck des Bollwerks derselbe ist. Meine Mauern zum Beispiel. Ich bin nämlich gleich mit mehreren gesegnet.

Seit Monaten verlasse ich meine vier Wände nicht mehr und habe diese Mauern als meinen ersten Schutzwall bestimmt. Rein physikalisch kommt da niemand rein, solange ich die Türe geschlossen halte. Das ist wundervoll und lässt mich gut schlafen. Die andere Mauer ist da weniger offensichtlich. Sie ist nicht aus Stein, nicht aus Beton und doch ist sie (noch) irgendwie viel stabiler, sicherer und stärker. Diese Mauer ist eher wie ein Kraftfeld und befindet sich an der Außenseite meiner Haut, rings um mich herum. Seit einiger Zeit ist sie da und lässt nichts zu mir herein. Ich merke um mich herum, wie sehr mich Menschen enttäuschen – wie sehr mein Vertrauen in Menschen schrumpft. Scheinbar hat mein Unterbewusstsein die Notbremse gezogen und endgültig auf Verteidigung gesetzt. Ich habe aufgehört, zu kommunizieren. Es gibt nur wenige Menschen, die mal etwas von mir hören – zumeist nur mal unverfänglich auf Social-Media-Kanälen, aber mein Whatsapp habe ich seit Wochen nicht geöffnet, damit niemand sieht, wenn ich online bin. Damit niemand fragt, wie es mir geht, ob alles OK ist oder meine Lieblingsfrage: Ob ich inzwischen mal draußen war. Ich habe Facebook gelöscht, damit ich nicht Urlaubsbilder sehen muss und mich frage, ob die Gesellschaft sträflich dumm ist oder gefährlich egoistisch ignorant. Meine Mauer ist weniger Gefängnis, als dass sie mir den einzigen Ort bietet, an dem ich frei durchatmen kann – auch mental. Sie schützt gerade meinen Verstand, denn man hat außerhalb dieser Mauer leider größtenteils den Verstand verloren. Meine Mauer ist eine Reaktion darauf, dass man mir gesagt hat, ich sei nicht der Nabel der Welt und dürfte nicht darstellen, wie sehr mich das Verhalten der anderen gefährdet. Eine Reaktion darauf, dass man meine Existenzängste unkommentiert in einen Ordner gepackt hat… in die dunkle Stille, in die meine Stimme gehört, damit sie andere nicht belastet. Jetzt ist mir diese Mauer vollends bewusst geworden und ich bin froh, sie zu haben.

Innerhalb meiner Mauer geht es mir nämlich gut. Hier drin befindet sich ein Mensch, der glücklicherweise keine Langeweile nach 18 Wochen Isolation bekommt. Ich habe jeden Tag etwas neues zu tun, beschäftige meinen Geist und freue mich über ganz viele Dinge. Hier, innerhalb meiner Mauer, bin ich fröhlich. Ringsum befindet sich die Schwärze einer tiefen Depression, befinden sich die Ängste, die bodenlose Enttäuschung über meine Mitmenschen. Um mich herum lauert all das Bittere, doch hinter dem antisozialen Bollwerk meines Geistes, hier tief in mir selbst, lächele ich. Hin und wieder findet dann doch einmal eine Nachricht über irgendeine Idiotie dort draußen den Weg durch mein unsichtbares Mauerwerk und ich werfe es laut schimpfend wieder raus, aber ansonsten genieße ich hier drin die Harmonie und Ruhe. Ich würde auch nicht über diese Verteidigungslinie schreiben, doch ich habe noch eine kleine Sorge.

Ich sehe Proteste vor meiner Mauer. „Die Mauer muss weg!“, ruft die aufgebrachte Masse. Das Verständnis über mein Abschotten schrumpft immer weiter, dringend benötigte Medikamente bekomme ich nicht, wenn ich nicht persönlich beim Arzt erscheine und lieb gemeinte Ratschläge über die Notwendigkeit von Freiheit lauern vor meiner Mauer, wie Trabbies vor dem Checkpoint Charlie 1989. Ich frage mich, wie lange ich die Grenze zur Außenwelt noch aufrecht erhalten kann, denn sobald diese Mauer bröckelt, wird die Schwärze der Depression gnadenlos in mich strömen und mich vergiften. Ich sehe meine Dämonen da draußen… sie rufen ihre Parolen über den Stacheldraht und wirken mehr als bedrohlich.

Dass ich eine solche Mauer aufgebaut habe, ist keine so seltsame Entwicklung. Ich ziehe mich gerne mal zurück, bin gerne für mich und brauche nicht unbedingt den Kontakt zu anderen Menschen. Gelegentliche Gespräche reichen mir, um zufrieden zu sein. Doch glaube ich, dass es da draußen noch viel mehr Menschen so geht. Nichtmals nur diejenigen, die ein erhöhtes Risiko bei einer Corona-Infektion zu erwarten haben, sondern auch ganz durchschnittliche Typen. Menschen, denen die Ignoranz gegenüber anderen gerade besonders auffällt. Ich befürchte, dass ich nicht der einzige bin, der sich gegenüber dem Egoismus der Umwelt abschottet. Aber was macht das aus unserer Gesellschaft? Was passiert, wenn sich ein Teil der Bevölkerung hinter Mauern zurückzieht, während sich ein lautstarker Teil der Bevölkerung mit Ellenbogen durchs Leben boxt? Was wird aus uns, wenn eher die tumben, rücksichtslosen Personen das öffentliche Leben bestimmen? Ich befürchte, dass dies das weitaus größere Problem darstellt, als die wirtschaftlichen oder gesundheitlichen Folgen des Virus. Dann spaltet uns einmal mehr eine Mauer – diesmal nicht geografisch, sondern eine Mauer in unseren Köpfen. Meine ist bereit für diese Zukunft und momentan baue ich diese nochwas aus.

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  7. BarryMor 28. Oktober 2021 at 10:49

    There’s something to it. Thank you for the information, now I will not make such a mistake.
    China and France participate in expressed dismay with the new defense contract between the Connected States, the Allied Sphere of influence and Australia – although on the side of divergent reasons. Beijing in effect wants to border on the Asia-Pacific Business Pact.
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